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A doc­u­men­tary on liv­ing hap­pily recently aired on PBS. A lot of the clips from the show (called This Emo­tional Life) are avail­able on YouTube (here). Here’s an inter­est­ing one on intimacy:

This par­tic­u­lar insight (from Eliz­a­beth Gilbert) was inter­est­ing to me partly because I’m read­ing her book Eat, Pray, Love at the moment. The anal­ogy she makes is part of the les­son she learns in her book. Her les­son was really the story she needed to learn to con­tinue on her path in a healthy way. (The les­son: basi­cally, that you have to make your­self happy).

The funny thing about these kinds of insights is that they’re hugely per­sonal. Gilbert’s insight, for exam­ple, is chal­lenged by another one from the exact same doc­u­men­tary. Rather than rely­ing on your­self, Dr. Nicholas Chris­takis’ insight is that ‘’Your Friends Can Make You Happy.’’ Both of these insights are right. Just in their dif­fer­ent ways.

For all of us, the story we find most com­pelling is the story that we need to hear. For Eliz­a­beth Gilbert it was a story that, very lit­er­ally, she needed to write her­self. And as she did, she made sense of things and came to have a bet­ter expe­ri­ence of life. The ulti­mate abil­ity might there­fore be the abil­ity to search for and to find (or to write) our own story –the story that we need to hear at the moment, to make sense of our own sit­u­a­tion and to move forward.

For me, my happiness-story is about the impor­tance of com­mu­ni­ca­tion. My mom is a men­tal health coun­cilor in the small, but glo­ri­ous Cana­dian town where I grew up. She says that becom­ing and stay­ing healthy is largely a mat­ter of com­mu­ni­ca­tion. When peo­ple feel that they can’t com­mu­ni­cate –that what they would like to say is taboo, or when they know it just wouldn’t be under­stood— it can be extremely hard on them. She says, “peo­ple need some­one to com­mu­ni­cate to –some­one they trust and who is a good lis­tener. A lot of peo­ple are car­ry­ing their own bag­gage and hon­estly can’t hear what other peo­ple are say­ing with­out think­ing of them­selves first.” Sim­ply giv­ing peo­ple a safe space to talk releases them to find new answers. Just by lis­ten­ing, you give them a gift.

The strength­en­ing power of shar­ing our­selves is prob­a­bly most evi­dent when we are strug­gling emo­tion­ally, but it’s also there in good times. This year, I’ve been writ­ing more and I’ve found it hugely edifying.

So, if PBS asked me for my com­ment, I’d say that feel­ing free to com­mu­ni­cate, to cre­ate, to share (and tak­ing advan­tage of that free­dom) is a big key to emo­tional health and ful­fill­ment.

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How to save the world

March 22, 2010

The new prob­lems of the world require fresh approaches. They require our inge­nu­ity and our care­ful, cre­ative con­sid­er­a­tion. You and I know this, but still most of us don’t often get mean­ing­fully involved.

Why is this?

I think there is a col­lec­tive feel­ing that these prob­lems are too big for any of us to make a real dif­fer­ence. We doubt our abil­ity to influ­ence impor­tant mat­ters when there are well-connected lob­by­ists, busi­nesses with billion-dollar bud­gets and polit­i­cal par­ties firmly wed­ded to their own notions. And these doubts seem per­fectly warrented.

There is a great para­gragh in Chomsky’s Man­u­fac­tur­ing Con­sent, about what keeps us from being polit­i­cally active:

Very few peo­ple are going to have the time or the energy or the com­mit­ment to carry out the con­stant bat­tle that’s required to get out­side of the [main­stream media]. The easy thing to do you know — you come home from work, you’re tired, you’ve had a busy day, you’re not going to spend the evening car­ry­ing on a research project, so you turn on the tube and say its prob­a­bly right, or you look at the head­lines in the paper and then you watch the sports or some­thing. That’s basi­cally the way the sys­tem of indoc­tri­na­tion works. Sure the other stuff is there, but you’re going to have to work to find it.

This is the chal­lenge we face. Even if your beef is not with the media, you don’t have the time or the energy for it (what­ever that ”it” is for each of us) at the end of the day. We take care of our fam­i­lies, feed our cat, mow the lawn and then there’s not much left over. So, our hard-won uni­ver­sity degrees in Geo-Chemistry or Post-Feminist Neo­col­lo­nial­ism stare down at us from the wall, while we avoid eye-contact and look for a new episode of the Fam­ily Guy.

But the tide is turn­ing my friends

Indi­vid­u­als (as com­mit­ted, edu­cated and inter­ested as they were) have found the sys­tem stacked against them for hun­dreds of years. It had to do with the chal­lenges of orga­niz­ing. It was the basis of Marx’s opti­mism (‘If ONLY we could orga­nize!’) and every major world leader benifited from the fact that they couldn’t. Orga­niz­ing was very hard.

Back in the day

Con­sider how hard it was to even share a news­pa­per arti­cle with a friend:

  1. You had to get your own copy of the news­pa­per and cut the arti­cle out with scissors
  2. Then, find an envelope
  3. Then, copy out your friend’s address
  4. And then get a stamp and go out­side to find a place where you can send the letter

It wasn’t THAT hard, but it was hard enough that you prob­a­bly wouldn’t bother. What WAS hard was form­ing a group. You would need to get the word out some­how (maybe by let­ter again) and have a place to meet. It took a con­sid­er­able amount of time and effort and at least a lit­tle fund­ing. The inter­net has removed a lot of these barriers.

The major chal­le­nege to mass-participation for hun­dreds of years has been the dif­fi­cul­ties involved in orga­niz­ing. I recently fin­ished Clay Shirky’s hugely-underrated Here Comes Every­body,which asks the ques­tion: ”what hap­pens when peo­ple are given the tools to do things together, with­out need­ing tra­di­tional orga­ni­za­tional struc­tures?” (The mail­ing a let­ter exam­ple above is adapted from his book).

Today we can group together almost effort­lessly; we can orga­nize and coor­di­nate asyn­chro­nously, in muli­ple groups at the same time –with­out geo­graph­i­cal or finan­cial constraints.

So today it’s mostly a ques­tion of lead­er­ship. If your vision is strong enough, if your idea is impor­tant enough, a lot of us can and will hap­pily join you.

You have the power!

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The Tim Commandments

February 24, 2010

Dis­claimer: I got the idea for this post from Gretchen Rubin’s per­sonal com­mand­ments –which she shares in her Hap­pi­ness Project. I learned so much doing my Life List that I fig­ured I have a go at this as well. (As for the title, I couldn’t resist.)

These ‘’com­mand­ments’’ are actu­ally just reminders to myself of the big real­iza­tions I’ve had about how to keep myself happy and mov­ing forward.

1) A clear target

Take time to con­sider what the ulti­mate sit­u­a­tion would be for me and the peo­ple I care about. I prob­a­bly do this 4 or 5 times a week and it’s actu­ally not an easy task. It IS easy to cop-out and say, “mega-rich on a trop­i­cal island,’’ but that’s not what I really want.

I try to clar­ify what my days will be like when I’ve finally arrived in my ideal sit­u­a­tion. I want to be able to read the news­pa­per, eat­ing fruit, in a sunny place. I want to have bril­liant friends who I spend a lot of time with. I want to learn a lot every day, as a part of my job. Plus about 50 other things. I think the clearer I can be about pre­cisely where I’d like to end up, the more likely I’ll get there.

2) Some­thing every day

I try to take at least a small step for­ward, toward my ulti­mate lifestyle, every day. I put some­thing on my To Do list every day that will pre­pare me for that sit­u­a­tion (I work on a lad­der), to make sure I’m mov­ing toward that target.

3) Appre­ci­ate it

Just like at Thanks­giv­ing, take a moment to think of some­thing you’re grate­ful for. It’ll remind you of how far you’ve come and that, while not every­thing is always per­fect, you’re life is mostly pretty good. As my mom used to say on cold win­ter nights, “be thank­ful that we have a nice warm place to live.” Or as Socrates said, “He is the rich­est who is con­tent with the least.”

4) Speak up

I’ve had to learn this les­son a few times in my life –that I need to share my ideas. I need to put my ideas into the world for a few rea­sons. First, it’s a way to real­ize what I know and to push my think­ing (to be con­struc­tive). It’s also a way to con­nect with peo­ple, to build com­mu­nity. The last time I real­ized this in a big way was my first trip to Aus­tralia. There peo­ple expect you to have a story to tell. I found I was so used to being a lis­tener that I didn’t know how to tell my stories.

5) Make it a good day

Even on good days, I try to think of one thing that could make the day a lit­tle bet­ter. If it’s stop­ping at the store and buy­ing some candy to eat, that’s okay. What­ever can make it a lit­tle hap­pier okay. Get­ting into my paja­mas early also makes me hap­pier. The point is that, for me, tak­ing each day as a project works.

6) Sleep on rice

This one comes from a story I heard of a poor immi­grant man who slept on rice (with his long­suf­fer­ing wife) in the back room. He did this for year so that he could save money. Even when he had saved enough to move into an apart­ment, he didn’t. He con­tin­ued to make sac­ri­fices until he could buy the store. I’m always inspired by sto­ries of peo­ple who have worked harder than they had to, so they could achieve uncom­mon ends.

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The Music Video Reinvented

December 3, 2009

Check out this music video from the group Ok Go. Mesmerizing.

Cool, huh?

It reminds me of Feist’s 1234 video

and the tread­mill video –also by Ok Go. These guys have it fig­ured out. There is some­thing sub­tly com­pelling about these videos. I can watch them over and over again. I think we appre­ci­ate see­ing peo­ple just being peo­ple –not being scan­dalous or overly special-effected, just hav­ing fun and being human.

Update: This video from Oren Lavie also falls into this genre of music-videos-showing-people-doing-interesting things.

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The gift is to the giver… it can­not fail. –Walt Whitman

Lewis Hyde’s book The Gift has taught me a lot; for one thing, it explains how gifts are the cur­rency of com­mu­nity. The les­son: if you want to make some­one a part of your com­mu­nity, be gen­er­ous to them. If they accept your kind­ness (and espe­cially if they are gen­er­ous in return) they are sig­nalling to you that they want to be in your group as well. In this way gift-giving binds us together. We become increas­ingly in each oth­ers’ debt. 

Early Euro­pean set­tlers to Pacific North Amer­ica noticed a lot of the native peo­ple apply­ing this idea through rituals:

When some­one in one of these tribes was mis­tak­enly insulted, his response, rather than turn­ing to a libel lawyer, was to give a gift to the man who had insulted him; if indeed the insult was mis­taken, the man would make a return gift, adding a lit­tle extra to demon­strate his good will, a sequence that has the same struc­ture (back and forth with increase) as the pot­latch itself. When a gift passes from hand to hand in this spirit, it becomes the binder of many wills (Page 36).

Hyde explains that this kind of response would do far more than make for a healthy, happy com­mu­nity, it would cre­ate a spir­i­tus mundi (a unan­i­mous heart) within the tribe. They were show­ing that they con­sid­ered their strength to be in each other, rather than in their own mate­r­ial gain.

Apply­ing this idea

We all like to feel we have strong, sup­port­ive rela­tion­ships. But how, in these rushed times, with friends

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