The gift is to the giver… it cannot fail. –Walt Whitman
Lewis Hyde’s book The Gift has taught me a lot; for one thing, it explains how gifts are the currency of community. The lesson: if you want to make someone a part of your community, be generous to them. If they accept your kindness (and especially if they are generous in return) they are signalling to you that they want to be in your group as well. In this way gift-giving binds us together. We become increasingly in each others’ debt.
Early European settlers to Pacific North America noticed a lot of the native people applying this idea through rituals:
When someone in one of these tribes was mistakenly insulted, his response, rather than turning to a libel lawyer, was to give a gift to the man who had insulted him; if indeed the insult was mistaken, the man would make a return gift, adding a little extra to demonstrate his good will, a sequence that has the same structure (back and forth with increase) as the potlatch itself. When a gift passes from hand to hand in this spirit, it becomes the binder of many wills (Page 36).
Hyde explains that this kind of response would do far more than make for a healthy, happy community, it would create a spiritus mundi (a unanimous heart) within the tribe. They were showing that they considered their strength to be in each other, rather than in their own material gain.
Applying this idea
We all like to feel we have strong, supportive relationships. But how, in these rushed times, with friends
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