Affirmations

Yesterday a very good friend of mine told me about some negative self-beliefs that she has. She's an extremely successful person, but she's got some ideas about herself that she wishes she didn't have. They're maybe holding her back. 

I think we all struggle like this at times. We frame it in different ways and use different labels: self-concept, self-esteem, self-confidence, limiting self-beliefs.

I tried my best to explain how I've used affirmations before, but (having never properly written it down) I'm not sure if I did a good job. And I realized that it might be more helpful for her to have it as a reference that she can use in the future, if she wants to try it. So this is for her and for you. My two cents on affirmations. 

I'm not quite sure where I picked up the habit of doing affirmations. I read a lot of self-help books in my teens and 20s. And actually I can't even really call it a habit, but I have used affirmations in a few seasons of my life where I felt like I had some work to do on my beliefs. Affirmations, as silly as they might seem as a practice, have made a big difference to me. 

So here's the quick version of how to do this. My process for designing and using affirmations.

Step one: Listing

You can start by listing the desired beliefs. It might work better for you to list the things that you don't like or the beliefs that you have that you feel are holding you back. This might take some time or maybe not.  I find it handy to get it down on paper and keep the paper with me. 

I found these things were so deeply held within me, I took them so for granted, that I couldn't immediately list all of them. It was more like an archaeological process. So I had to do this multiple times. And I'll probably have to do it again, scanning my self-identity for unhelpful, unwelcome thoughts I'm holding onto deep-down where they don't belong.

Take notes in your journal, after coaching or therapy, after chats with your best friend. Any bad thought is fuel for the process. 

Part of the idea here is that we can believe anything we want to about ourselves. Of course we want to know and understand the truth and not lie to ourselves. We're not trying to deceive or reprogram ourselves robotically. But with affirmations, we can find the truth in certain statements and start to see how they actually are true in our lives. It's not about delusion but it's about becoming comfortable with new ideas about ourselves.

Sometimes when I do this, I think about real people who seem to be  experiencing the kinds of success I want to have. Then I think about how they probably have to think about what beliefs they likely have that help them be successful. Of course this can be about money and careers, but it can just as easily be about success in relationships, being a great parent or being proactive socially. Anything. 

Step 2: Write them out as affirmative statements of fact. 

You want to make sure that your beliefs are written out in the way that you'll want them to live in your head. "I am a successful person. I'm confident. I'm wealthy." Whatever you like.

Step 3: The easy part.

Now it's just about repeating those affirmative statements. Maybe say them to yourself every day for two or three weeks. You can try to say them with energy and enthusiasm if you want to, but I think it's enough to just say them. Keep saying them and allow yourself to consider them as true. Let yourself notice how they might be true statements. You're going to start to see ways they are true. Ways you are successful, confident, wealthy or whatever your list happens to be. 

And that's it.

We all at times hold on to beliefs that we know are not desirable and probably aren't helping us. Sometimes they seem useful. I've heard very wealthy people say they aren't quite satisfied with their wealth. Probably they feel that they want to feel not quite wealthy enough because that feeling is a fuel for getting more. It helps them drive harder for success. Of course. That's an option. I'm not judging. We've all done that. I just wanted to put this out there for the times you might decide you don't like how you're feeling, when your beliefs aren't the ones you want anymore.

I think we can be happy if we want to be. We can feel great about ourselves if we want to. We can still work hard and achieve great things. I think it's possible to feel however we want to feel and achieve almost anything we're willing to work for.

I personally would rather feel good even if it did cost me some success. But actually the science I've read (which you've probably read as well) seems to argue that it normally works the other way around, that feeling good allows success. Feeling good is a precursor to success rather than the other way around. I'm sure there are exceptions to that. But my real point here is that this stuff is mostly optional.

You've probably had a lot of these thoughts before, but I hope you found this a little bit helpful anyway. Let's go be great and enjoy our lives, right? 😊

“If more information was the answer, then we'd all be billionaires with perfect abs.”  - Derek Sivers